Reflections on the Sanctimonious Institution of Marriage
About….no, exactly twenty years ago, Brian and I were in front of approximately 800 people, promised to each other and our families and our Lord to honor and cherish one another until death parted us. I was only twenty and he was barely twenty-one. Thinking back on that afternoon with all of that knowledge of years behind us, I think that not knowing the magnitude of making that decision so young has been our saving grace. Who can really, after all, just know that any one person in this world is their perfect soul mate? Who can confidently ever know if making babies with someone is the right someone? Who can, without reservation, give their only life to someone in the hopes for the ultimate reward…. happiness?
Well, what’s all the fuss about anyway? If you don’t like the one you’re with, you can easily file for divorce. They probably have a form online somewhere that you can download, if not just wait a few months and I’m sure there’ll be an app for that! Yes, I am kidding…well, at least I hope I am! Seriously though, when it was announced that Tipper and Al were throwing in the towel, I could not 
resist writing on the subject. I could make a long list of others who have fallen to the same fate, and every time I hear of people doing it, all I can think of is how stupid. There was the obvious reasons to divorce, and I am never one to give my opinion about others unions….how am I to know what really goes on behind closed doors? I don’t agree, as I am quite sure neither do you, with marriages that are so filled with abuse that surely the choice to count ones losses is the best decision for all parties involved. However, I’m not talking about those kinds of marriages. I often hear of 25 year, 40 year marriage dissolving. Why? Has it not occurred to these people that they should have been long gone? Is it a mid-life or now, perhaps an old age crisis? Does one really think they have something extra special to offer a younger version of their spouse? Because we all know that is always what ends up happening…. right?
It just has to be a self-centered act and a last attempt at doing something scandalous before one dies. Better argument still… Who wants to start over? Good Lord! It takes time to learn about a per- son. You have to set the ground rules for a lasting partnership – take it from a real pro! In the big picture part of life, it’s in the last twenty years that couples can fially sit back and enjoy each other. Years have been spent making money and raising children … it’s time now to enjoy life and each other. Who would want to do that with a perfect stranger?
I am reminded of the new sitcom Modern Family. The father has remarried a Latino woman half his age and has the odd roles of playing both grandparent to his children’s children, while parenting his newly acquired son via his wife. And, as if that wasn’t enough, he has to keep up with her… well… you know…. Ahem- mmm. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll pass on that.
A few years ago, one of our friends who had been married for many years decided to get divorced. Out of nowhere it seemed they decided, and quite nonchalantly and without too much fuss, to just move out and move on. Why after 25 years, I asked them, having been close enough to her and him to know the reasons were not due to the usual suspects such as abuse or infidelity or money issues. “We were just done,” she replied. She said it as a matter of fact as if she had stated some well-known fact about the universe. “What exactly does that mean?” I asked. She then tried to explain to me how she had over the years grown away from the same likes and dislikes, how each of them still cared deeply for one another but no longer romantically. They had made and raised both children and run a successful business. Now, in retirement, they found themselves unable to connect on even the most basic level. I remember thinking how stupid. How can you after dedicating years to living and loving and creating together just walk away?
Then, came the latest news about the Gore’s and the strange sadness that I feel for them and their children. Maybe it is because I am not just going through some mundane routine with Brian. We actually enjoy seeing each other and talking and working and sharing and the whole lot of it. Yes, I am quite tired of trying to retrain him… LOL. At some point, I am sure my need to fuss about underwear left on the floor will be filed away with the already long list of “given up all hope of ever changing him things,” and God love him for having those. I just know that my life was intended to be shared with him. I also know that after twenty years of sharing and creating and living, we are closer now than we were even capable of being at twenty and twenty-one years old.
I remember fondly Granny and Big Daddy. They were so well-established as an institution by the time I came along. They could finish each others sentences and would not have dared to live without having the other to hold. Endearing and true examples of just how fantastic long, seasoned to perfection marriages can be! That is, after all, how it should be. So when I think about marriage, it is not with my eyes rolling in some bored state. I wish for everyone the peace that emerges when you can look into someone’s eyes, and they know what you are thinking without you ever having to say a word. Now that kind of love takes years to establish and just ain’t something I think you should be real quick about letting go of!
By the way, Happy Anniversary Brian! 🙂 Cheers to us for making it for the first twenty!! I love ya good:)
