Recently I went back home and spent a few days where I was as a child and driving the through the back roads that were evergreen with pastures and twists and turns and I found myself at the old pond that I fished in as a child. T Lane and Sally’s fishpond in fact and many memories came flooding in as we walked the property and caught up. T Lane was my Daddy’s partner and as OBGYN’s they did countless deliveries and surgeries together. He and his wife Sally are my Godparents and both were in a flash at my side within moments of my mother’s passing. They watched me grow and they loved my mother and daddy. They gave me my first dog which I named Charlie Red and their daughter Dia was like a big sister to me. They are as I get older cherished more because of their links to my parents and grandparents all of which are now dead.
When traumatic things happen in childhood pieces of memory are left suspended in time. I know this first hand as I have large spaces of my childhood that I can not really remember and I know it’s a protective mechanism (thank you should be granted to the University of Houston and my degree in Child Psychology for assisting me in sorting these things out) meant to keep oneself OK but it can be rather annoying. I’ll taste something or smell something and a flood of new memories will arrive and occasionally it’s overwhelming. Back in 2007 while in Paris, Brian and I ran across a little chocolate shop and there was some orange peels candied. Immediately I remembered mother making that as a child but could not recollect more than just a small yes! I know that! Despite the feelings of disconnection from one’s past it’s always nice when it happens because I am able to “find” something more of myself that I had not been able to grasp before. It’s like finding pieces of my puzzle.
Coming home has been very difficult because home isn’t home any more. Someone else living in your house …parents buried down the street.. the roads are all the same but no one is home. Strangely though I felt very close to Daddy after walking through the woods with T lane and listening to him tell James and I stories of my Daddy. We went back to have ourselves a “Coke A Cola.” The reminiscing, although a wonderful experience for my little one who never knew any of these family members, it was clear from the misty eyes on T lane just how much he loved and missed all of them. It made me miss them more than I usually do too. One thing though he kept saying was “Your Mother and Daddy, Alisa…they would be so very proud of you. Oh, Alisa… Nana was a pistol! Granny and Big Daddy..they were good people. You are such a good person too!” It felt bittersweet.
I was in Mexico a few weeks later and there Joel Osteen started in on his sermon about the father’s blessings. As a child Daddy was a very busy man, a very important man in the community. He was a good father, a provider but he was tremendously caught up in being a doctor, serving as chief at the hospital and participating as a 32nd degree Scottish and York Rites, Knights Templar, Oasis and Shriner Medical staff.
The father’s blessing is a pivotal piece of our puzzles… we have to have that as children as adults and the words I am proud of you must be spoken loudly and often for all of us to feel complete. Daddy I am sure felt this way but I can not ever remember hearing him tell me. Mother, well could have never really known. I was eight when she died and had not really accomplished much in life. I realized as I was walking in those woods and smelling those Carolina Pines and hearing those bird dogs barking and seeing T Lane that Mommy and Daddy had come through him to send me that message. Maybe even my grandparents had too. The message that every child wants to hear no matter how old they get. It is a simple message I love you and I am proud of you. As soon as I figured out what had happened I picked up the phone and texted both our babies. I texted in BOLD from Mexico to Houston… “I LOVE YOU…MOMMY AND DADDY ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!” I hope you’ll tell your children that often because it does matter and it is going to complete their puzzle someday too!
Take Care of YOU!
